The weight of waiting

I love God. I am walking as faithfully as I possibly can. Why won’t He won’t answer my prayer for  a Godly spouse? I have waited for so long, am tired. God has forgotten about me, maybe He is punishing me for a sin i did, or something I may not even be aware of. Time is up, if God really cared He would also realise that the age factor is real in these matters of relationship. I need to have children while am within the child bearing age range. I am tired of my relatives and everyone asking me what’s taking me so long. I am tired of being alone. I am lonely.  I need to share this life with someone. I need to love someone and someone needs to love me back.  Does God expect me to die alone? What if I wait in vain and He does not come through.  I am taking matters into my own hands. I will help God and He can work with whatever choice I make.

If any of these scenarios hits home for you or someone close to you, kindly take a moment to read this post as I share some of the lessons I learnt as I waited on God to bring me a Godly spouse a few years back. I am sure there are other reasons that increase the weight of waiting on God concerning relationships, but I pray that my story,  will encourage you to keep trusting God with every area of your life especially relationships particularly who you decide to marry if you are called to marriage. (some are called to singlehood and God has given them grace for this)

I had been in a number of relationships that ended as prematurely as they started. Each broken relationship left me hurt and very confused about who I was and what I needed in my life. It was shortly after a break up initiated by me with a long time friend that I cried out to God to protect my heart.  I remember staying up all night asking God to protect me from another broken heart as I ended this particular relationship. I was so afraid because beyond a failed relationship, this young man had been a very good friend for many years. We had shared a close, clean friendship that boyfriend, girlfriend drama had ruined. It was in the midst of this pain and heartache that God drew me to Himself. I began reading His word, praying and going to church and in His merciful nature, what I feared would destroy me God used to draw me closer to Him.

Shortly after this,  I recommitted my life to Christ and started the journey of walking intimately with Him. I fell in love with Christ all over again and He helped me fall in love with me. He opened my eyes to see what a gem I was to Him. You see, like so many ladies out there, I had no identity, no purpose or understanding of who I was in Him(Christ) till I started taking my relationship with Him seriously. I stopped the blame game for all my past failed relationships and faced the reality of my skewed choices and decisions that were based mostly on fear and desperation.  I needed Jesus Christ much more than I realised;  not only to heal my brokeness but to reveal who I was  in Him and to Him.

As this journey progressed steadily, the desire to be in just any relationship so I could fit in with friends or avoid the questioning of relatives about my age and time to settle down slowly dissipated. Was it all smooth and straight for me? No my dear. I had moments I  faltered. Moments when i questioned and doubted my ability to live out my decision to trust God.

‘What if i was kidding myself about all this trusting God stuff and the joke was on me and I ended up alone? What if I was just not lovable and there was no man really who could choose me. I am not beautiful anyway. What if I finally met someone but I was too old to bear children because I was on this wild journey of trusting God’s timing?????  ‘ FEAR. ~

There was so much fear standing in the way of me totally trusting God. By His amazing grace, I decided to hold on to His word and prayed for His strength to see me through this journey of completely trusting Him even when I didnt know how it would all play out in the end.

His word taught me this truth: The life I lived was not my own but His. I did not belong to myself but to Him. He purchased me at  the price of His own life on that old rugged cross. This strengthened  my resolve to trust Him more in every area of my life particularly in the area of relationships.

There were times when  those closest to me made insensitive comments about my singleness and made me question my decision to trust God with this area of my life, but again His grace  empowered me to  shrug them off and remain focused on my decision. When we choose God despite everything around and sometimes within us telling us to ignore Him, we encounter His grace more powerfully.  When we draw close to Him, He comes nearer to us. You are not alone in this journey despite what your emotions and feelings may be screaming at you. Your emotions and feelings can be very deceptive. Trust His word over them. 

‘Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world.’

(James 4:8 NLT)

The fears that are compounded with every situation you experience really test our hearts and our loyalty to the one whom we say we have believed. Decide to trust God. Choose Faith in God over Fear. It is very possible, because faith in God is what undoes every trapping and lie of fear in our lives. 

As I focused on God and His word, I realised who I was in Him and how there was so much to do in the extension of His kingdom that did not necitate me to be in a relationship. This was a unique season where I needed to avail myself completely to the Lord and be about His business; the extension of His kingdom. I cannot explain the joy that was released into my life as I stepped into service. I was completely at peace and rest as I served the master with reckless abandon. My previous preoccupations with relationships that had  become a modern day form of idolatry came to an end.  Praise the Lord.

Purpose in Christ not only gave me true joy but peace and rest in God’s plan for my life and  His perfect timing. Life took on new meaning, i began to really live. 

The truth is that God loves us so dearly. He is love, it is who He is.  He is our Heavenly Father and a very good one. He cares and is concerned about each and every detail of our lives, including who we date, who we decide to marry and when we will marry if He has ordained it for us.  He has a huge stake in our lives considering He paid the ultimate price for us.

There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if You do what I command you.  (John 15:13-14 NLT)

If there is something that you can trust above all else on this journey, it is God’s love. Allow His love to calm all your fears in this area of relationships. God is truly all you need and He is more than enough. The joy, the happiness and security that relationships ‘promise’ are truly found in Him first. The earlier this becomes your reality and truth, the happier your relationships will be. He alone can fulfill us in a way relationships cannot. That was the ultimate lesson during my single season as I waited on His timing and trusted His guidance for a spouse when the time came. 

Trust God with your heart, it is safest with Him.

Trust His choice of spouse for you because He knows you much more than you will ever truly know yourself. Enlist His help in the decision, He knows what you need.

Trust the process He is taking you through in preparing you and equipping you for His purpose in this season of being single. Don’t be so fixated on being in a relationship that you miss out on the joys and moments of your single time.  Remember each season is unique in the way it shapes us for His purpose.

Get out of the shadow of singleness being a disability, instead choose to live the life He has given you now fully in Him.

Your journey in Christ is as unique as your thumbprint. Allow Him to write your love story and be His light in this area.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

(Proverbs 3:5- 6) 

Prayer:

Heavenly Father I thank you for your goodness and faithfulness to us your sons and daughters in Christ. Thank you for how you love us and know us. Lord I pray for my sisters and brothers who are on the journey of trusting your plans in the single season of their lives. Strengthen them and empower them to find their true worth, value and fulfillment in you regardless of their age or how long they have been waiting. Lord let your love calm all their fears and let faith arise in them to trust you completely. I pray for those on the verge of making the decision to choose you over the world, help them ABBA. Guide them with your mighty arm my Lord into your truth and their purpose and destiny in you. Through Christ I pray, AMEN.